Update 8 June 09 (the sins of right motives)

Over the last week, I have had the same thoughts that have permeated through my head. Some deal with past relationships, and how I never saw how (even having good motives) could become an idol, while others seem to throb at times that sin (by this I mean sin we willingly submit to) absolutely destroys any intimacy we have with the Father. Where I begin this entry, I am not really sure.

I started a new job last Saturday. And never in my life have I worked with so many attractive women. I say this because I really truly thought I had dealt with the issue of lust and emotions within this context. I have come to find out, that I have not truly dealt with it…. I just became VERY good at hiding it, even from myself. But I need to back up a bit farther.

The week before I went to a church service on Friday night at my church. It was geared towards worship, and intimacy within the Body. While pastor was talking at the start, I had the awareness that great things were about to break loose. I knew in my head that God was about to move, and I saw Him touch a multitude of people that night. But no matter how much I tried, no matter how much I sought, no matter how much I pressed, I could not enter into the emotional awareness that God was there. My heart has become so disconnected, that at times I weep when I relay this to another person.

However we may call the terminology, God’s presence is an amazing thing. We may call it His Presence, his Anointing, or his Glory, it stirs our hearts towards Him, and makes us aware in our spirit, that He is close, and that we are in His presence. And though I can see the evidence that that is happening, and I absolutely believe that it is Him, no matter how I long for it… I cannot seem to reconcile my heart with my mind. I saw people get healed, set free, touched, and changed. I saw laughter, I saw tears, I saw dancing, feet washing, jumping, singing, praying, and weeping. I saw people being ushered into His presence. I say this, because I know that is what happened. This is not a crisis of faith on my part. Nor is this my own internal doubt that I am a believer. But while everyone else was deeply aware at the heart level that we were in Gods Presence, I felt…. Nothing.

My heart it seems has become disconnected from God. I know many that would at this point seek to tell me how we should not depend on ‘feelings’, and on this I agree, but this is not what I am talking about. I do not depend on goosebumps in order to tell me that I am entering into God’s Presence. But it seems that we have forgotten that we are also to love God with all our ‘heart’. This is important because of many factors. But without that emotional awareness, it is VERY HARD to hear the Holy Spirit speak conviction when we enter into an area that sin abounds. And right now, the only thing that has acted as a barrier to the sin that would seek to enslave me, is the intellectual knowledge that it is sin, and that God has a better way. In and by itself this is not a bad thing. But, it is of critical importance when that knowledge is not backed up with the emotional awareness that sin not only breaks God’s commandments, it breaks His heart!

This has been bringing me to tears when I explain this to others. Because I truly long for those days when I entered into His presence through worship, prayer, fasting, and corporate gatherings. And this gave me revelation into my previous relationship with Michelle.

While I was seeking after Michelle’s heart, I never allowed certain things to come into my life because I knew they would cause problems. I never dealt with lust while I pursued her. I never had a problem with pornography while I pursued her. I felt empowered though our conversations, and felt focused, and MUCH closer to God through her influence in my life.

Now, where is the problem with that you ask? The problem is, that I never allowed those things to become a problem (or even a temptation) because I so wanted to keep my relationship with her pure, INSTEAD of because those things would break God’s heart. Even in the best of intentions, I put her above God, for my convictions of sin were based on her, and not on God. I didn’t even realize this until after I was in this season of not talking to her. My authority had counseled me to take time away from her, and I submitted to that, and am submitting to that. About a week ago, I was talking to my authority, and I mentioned that I missed talking to Michelle, and that I felt like I was stronger and more focused when I was talking to her on a regular basis. And that is when it became clear to both me and my authority at the same time (though they probably saw it before I did) that my motivation was to please her and keep my thoughts and actions pure towards her first, and then to honor God. Was it keeping me from sin? Yes, but it also kept me in sin. Even the greatest and most noble of actions can be idolatrous. Do I miss her? Absolutely! But God is dealing with me in many ways before I am allowed to pursue her again.

In a previous entry 20May09, I discussed certain things that I thought I had dealt with but which were still popping up in my life. These things continue to confront me, and the revelation that sin destroys intimacy is being pounded into me. I long for that intimacy with God again. I long to be able to discern (emotionally) His presence and His Glory again. But it seems that He is allowing me to go through a season where I do not feel His presence at all. Is He here? Absolutely. I can see how He is moving in my life everyday. But I think He is withholding the emotional awareness from me.

Some would ask, “why would God do that?” I believe He is allowing me to fully understand and grasp just what the absence of His presence feels like, so that I fully understand how sin destroys our relationship with Him. I was trying to explain this to a friend of mine the other night, and the analogy I used was in the context of marriage. Remember, we are the bride of Christ. In marriage, if your spouse lies to you, cheats on you, abuses your trust, ignores you, and treats you badly, it destroys any intimacy you may have. When they come to you and say, “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me?” and you do, does that forgiveness mean that that trust is automatically restored, or that the intimacy is brought back immediately? No.

Once you forgive them, they are allowed to once again pursue your heart, and begin to build that trust and intimacy back. It is the same with God. When we ask Him to forgive our sin, He is faithful and Just to forgive us. He casts our sin as far as the East is from the West. BUT. That does not mean that we are restored to that place of intimacy with Him. This goes so far as to say that when we sin, not only does it destroy our intimacy with Him… but it also causes Him to forget our righteous acts.

Ezekiel 3:20
"Again, when a righteous man turns away from his righteousness and commits iniquity, and I place an obstacle before him, he will die; since you have not warned him, he shall die in his sin, and his righteous deeds which he has done shall not be remembered; but his blood I will require at your hand.

Ezekiel 18:24
"But when a righteous man turns away from his righteousness, commits iniquity and does according to all the abominations that a wicked man does, will he live? All his righteous deeds which he has done will not be remembered for his treachery which he has committed and his sin which he has committed; for them he will die.

Ezekiel 33:13
"When I say to the righteous he will surely live, and he so trusts in his righteousness that he commits iniquity, none of his righteous deeds will be remembered; but in that same iniquity of his which he has committed he will die.

This is rarely taught in our churches. God is revealing to me the full weight of sin in our lives. And how God’s judgment is something that not only do we neglect under the guise of “grace”, but is probably the most important aspect of a Christian’s walk. We focus on God’s love at the expense of His severity. God IS LOVE, but He is also a consuming fire.

I made the comment while I was pursuing Michelle, that I wanted a woman who loved God MORE THAN she loved me. Little did I know that God was trying to show me even back then that I was loving her more than I was loving God.

God is peeling back the layers of corruption around my heart. He is exposing things I truly shudder to think about. He is doing this because He wants to heal my heart, and restore it to fellowship to Him. I am having to lean on the small sliver I ‘feel’ more than all the intellectual knowledge I have. And this is very strange for me. It grieves my heart that I cannot discern His presence. And the more I try to rationalize and reason within my mind how I can get it back, the more lost I feel. We are told to love the Lord God with all our Heart, Mind, Soul, and Strength. I have become aware that my mind and heart are completely out of balance. My mind dominates, and my heart feels atrophied. And though I do not know how long this season will last for, I do know it will pass, and I will once again enjoy the amazing comfort and glory of His presence.