I have been putting off writing this entry for awhile now. I have known I was to write this for sometime, yet due to what I am about to share, I am just getting to the place where I can look at this part of me, much less talk about it.
Recently, God has put someone in my life that is a dear friend, but she reminds me of myself many years ago (and honestly pretty recently too). It seems that God has been showing me things about my own life through the friendship I have with her. Here is what I mean.
When I first got saved, God so graciously put certain men and women into my life that have acted as councilors, pastors, and authority. For the first time that I remembered, I was actually being invested in by someone else! The problem however, is that I was not serious enough about fixing the problems within me that God seriously wanted to deal with. I acted and said the right things, and before long, I became a Christian version of the very thing I was saved from!
I hid behind my manners and politeness. I replaced "righteousness" with a form of self righteousness before I ever truly understood the concept of righteousness. I was THE MOST polite, and passively rebellious man....hmmm (boy) you ever met! I would recognize wisdom being handed to me! I would accept it, contemplate it, and then rationalize why I should do the EXACT OPPOSITE! And at first, there was no consequence to this. But as time went on, I saw that these men and women of God were turning their backs on me. Yet, it was not them abandoning me, but rather me abandoning them! You see, I trampled on their advice. I asked them for council, then trashed it because they didn't say what I wanted to hear.
I became spiritually dead before I ever had a chance to experience the life altering power of the Cross and the Holy Spirit!
Because this had gone on for quite sometime, I developed new traits that would end up masking my TRUE self, while giving others the impression I had it together. I became a charlatan. And the really disturbing thing was, I believed my own lies!
Over time, this caused all my relationships (that were true relationships) to step away from me, and stop investing time into my life. (I mean why wouldn't they? I did the exact opposite of what they said! How long would you invest in someone like that?) The sad thing was, I was always blaming them, when I was the one doing it to myself.
Do you know how many bridges I burned because I traded council like some people trade baseball cards? The thing is though, I don't think I really truly understood just what it was I was doing until just recently. Something happens when you get to the place of absolutely crying out for God's Presence more than anything else. I started to really desire God's Presence more than video games, more than jobs, more than friends, more than relationships, more than recognition, more than riches.
I have had a horrible job history, because when I would encounter hard times at a job, I would go to Godly council, and when they would say "submit and humble yourself", I would tell myself, "God doesn't want you to be a pawn", and so I would quit. When people got on my nerves, I would go to Godly council and when they would say, "humble yourself ask for forgiveness for your bitterness, and reconcile", I would tell myself, "the problem is with the other person and they need to apologize to me!" When I began liking a woman, I would go to them and when they would say, "She is not the right one for you", I would hear myself saying, "She just needs someone to invest in her life and I can do that."
Do you know how much sin you can rationalize in your life due to the total disregard to Godly council? I fornicated, I quit jobs out of pride, I ruined friendships, I lied, I manipulated, I controlled, I schemed, I abandoned people, I isolated myself, I deceived (others and myself), I committed idolatry, I became bitter, I became untrusting, I became delusional, I brewed unforgiveness, I became proud, I became lazy, I became deceitful, I stole, I hated, I became critical, I became the BIGGEST hypocrite this world has ever known!
Even my authority (whom I am now submitted to) walked away from me for a season, because I was disobedient, I was rebellious, I was deceitful, I was immature, I walked in the flesh, even though I stated time and time and time again how I was close to God!
Father forgive me!
Maybe it is because I am seeing things from the opposite point of view. This young couple reminds me of me in so many ways! He says the right things, acts the right way, knows the right terminology... she will rationalize what she WANTS to do over and above what she has heard from both God and council...
It seems so clear to me hearing it from this end of the spectrum. He doesn't fool me. Yet I WANT to believe he wants to change! I too am VERY good (better than he is it seems) at giving off the right impression! Give me 5 minutes with someone, and unless they have the gift of discernment, I will have them fooled in record time! But, . . . the longer you are around me, the more exposed I become. Until I can no longer hide my hidden self, and you either want nothing to do with me, or I walk away because you know me better than I would like.
I used to wonder how Paul could go from saying he was one of the Chief Apostles, to saying he was chief of all sinners..... now I think I know. When you take a good hard look inside of you, and you REALLY see things from God's point of view, then no matter how small someone else may see your sin, you see your sin as the biggest violation of God's purposes for not only your life, but the entire creation! Though another may see a small matter, when you REALLY see your sin clearly, you see it as the biggest affront to God that has ever been perpetrated in the whole of this world. This is why Paul was sincere when he said "oh wretched man that I am!" This is why Paul truly meant it when he said
1 Timothy 1:15
It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all.
Romans 7:24
Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?
Paul didn't see another's sins... he saw his own sin! And when you see your own sin, you cannot help but forget about another's sins, because NOTHING looks more wicked than what we have committed!
It wounds my heart to think about walking back in that path. Oh Father! Please take my life, before You allow me to return to my own vomit! Lord, Break me, Judge me, Shake me! I do not want to go back! I would rather die, then go back to what I was! I am so desperate for Your Presence in my life! I echo Paul's heart cry, "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?"
Praise God that the answer is Jesus!
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