Ridicule? or Misinterpretation?

Today I took the day off. I needed it, I had a VERY long weekend, and though it was amazing, it also was exhausting. But as I was laying in bed tonight, I was listening to Dutch Sheets on a podcast talking about offense, and suddenly I remembered something that happened last night at church.

Last night I went to "Collide" which is a ministry of Covenant Community Ministries (my church). Truth be told, I would have preferred to go home and go to bed (did I mention I was exhausted?) but because I knew my authority wanted me there, I went before being asked (still waiting to see if I get bonus points for doing things BEFORE being told)...lol. The service was awesome, had a great time in worship, pressed into God's Presence again, and simply enjoyed it. After Praise and worship, Tony preached on authority and being ready for battle in this day and age.

Afterwords, we prayed. For numerous people, and for numerous reasons. As Tony was speaking during this time about going to war with people whom you know have your back and you can trust, I leaned against a wall and kind of slumped over (the statement itself was piercing my heart). Then I felt hands and arms all over me as multiple brothers began to pray over me. (on a sidenote, notice the difference between being prayed 'for" and prayed "over"... when being prayed for, they want you to pay attention to what they are saying. when being prayed 'over' the people praying aren't really all that interested in if you are paying attention..lol)

These brothers prayed over me, and began saying things I was (to be completely honest) not expecting, and not wanting to believe about my walk with Christ. I heard "time to grow up", "time to stop sucking on the tit", "stop knocking the giants down and KILL them"... but because of the trust I had in these men of God, I received it. But then afterwords, I began questioning, wondering, and honestly, started getting offended by these words in prayer.

I had just made a trip across multiple states to move to where my authority was. I had just gotten the breakthrough at the Ramp I had been seeking after for months! I had FINALLY broken through to God's Presence! I was expecting to hear something like "we got your back brother." I was finally seeing GROWTH and because of the words spoken over me I felt like I was farther behind than when I started this journey months ago. (this was my biggest fear about coming back to this church. I was afraid that either the ones that KNEW me would reject me, or that they would simply treat me as if I were a rebellious child that would only be here until things got tough again) (on another side note, isn't it amazing how the enemy will often hit us with the VERY fears we dread the most... yet, they aren't actually happening, they are but an illusion of what we are scared of. These brothers weren't rejecting me, they were EDIFYING me!)

For the rest of the service I felt like I was an outsider, like I didn't belong there, and I had that nudge in the back of my head that said, "you don't have to stand for this, you should walk out of here right now, they don't want you here."

And there were points when I ALMOST did! But I could not bring myself to do it. During this prayer time I had to FORCE myself to pray over others. My confidence was gone and I thought at times like I was doing more HARM than good while praying for others.

I knew I needed clarity in this matter and that wouldn't come until I had brought this to Tony after the service. The bottom line is this, I trusted my authority THROUGH my own emotions and offenses. I walked away from this eight years ago, I was NOT about to walk away again.

After the service, Tammy asked me how I was doing, and I responded with "confused". She asked why and while I was trying to explain what I was feeling I broke down in tears. (seems like the closer I get to God the more crying I end up doing.) She said, "let me get Tony."

When I spoke to Tony, I didn't hold anything back, but I did not get defensive either. I expressed what was on my heart, and what I was feeling and thinking. It was through this that clarity came. This Word was not saying "you are worthless and are not growing." This Word was saying "this is the time of preparation that God is wanting to use to bring maturity in your life so that you can gain the inheritance you were called to." It was through the delivery that I misinterpreted it.

And as Tony correctly pointed out, I had just spent 24 hours on a bus, then went to Alabama, spent time at the Ramp getting trashed in God's Anointing, and then had an all day church focus. I had not slept decently since last Tuesday! I was EXHAUSTED! I was so exhausted that I literally was not tired anymore.

As I sit here writing this, what weighs on my heart the most is that we Must TRUST those in authority over us. It would have been VERY easy for me to stay offended, proceed into defensive, and claim certain 'rights'. But I have gone down that path. I know its destination. And it is a dead end in the middle of the desert with snakes all around it. It was my TRUST that allowed me to get to the truth of the matter.

When you get offended, do not allow your offense to outweigh your trust. There might be blessings on the other side just WAITING for you to allow FAITH to secure the promise. But the only thing that offense and defensiveness will secure.... is death.

Maturity is coming. It has started. Because a few years ago, I wouldn't have waited around to get clarity... I would have claimed some self-righteous standard and walked away thinking myself correct. Maturity is not an overnight thing. Neither is growth. And neither is Authority. These things must begin somewhere, and proceed down a path. And as I said good night to Tony, the last thing I said before going home was, "I am not quitting this. You will either have to kick me out, or kill me."

Something tells me he smiled as I walked away.

(edit :addition) I JUST posted this blog when I heard Dutch Sheets say "Sometimes the Lord will set you up to be offended just to just to show you that you have the tendencies in certain areas of your life, to take the bait."

WOW!!!