Lord, can't You do this without me interfering?

Over the last 6 months of being back in Florida, I have noticed a very subtle, but very BAD habit I have gotten in. It seems I have (like many people, and even more churches) grown accustomed to seeking God in a familiar way... a safe way.... a known way.

My reason? Complacency. When I moved down here to be closer to my spiritual authority, I went through a season where I was so absolutely desperate for God's Presence that if He didn't touch me, I felt crushed. What this did in me was to show me that even during those times when I didn't "feel" His touch, He was still there. I could rest in the knowledge that He was there, even if I couldn't feel it with my heart.

But more importantly, it forced me to look inside myself. I don't mean I simply looked at a mirror. I mean I intently searched the depths of my corrupted soul, in order to find that which was hindering me from my pursuit of the Lord... those things which were not pleasing to Him.

Complacency. Why is it so hard to maintain a vibrant pursuit of God? Many people would say it isn't. And it isn't, in a sense. But so often we fall into traps that we have walked in in our past without even realizing it. I was sitting across the table from my spiritual authority when they made the statement, "your upbringing has handicapped you. Now whether you want to remain handicapped is up to you."

It seems strange to me that for Jesus to bring healing, there must be a wound that has to be inflicted in order to make us aware there is an issue in the first place. Wouldn't it be a wonderful place if we simply prayed "Lord heal me" and all those pains, disappointments, failures, shortcomings, and wounds would simply vanish? Yet though Jesus does do that for what seems like a select few, He chooses a different way with the majority of us. And in order to get our attention to see that we NEED healing... it takes a fresh wound.

It amazes me that we make such good excuses for our issues to... I didn't call it complacency... I called it "contentment." I told myself that I had the kind of faith that no matter what happened to me in this life.. I wouldn't turn my back on God. And while that IS true, it also masked a deeper issue that caused me not to fight for the abundant life Jesus paid the price for. I know I know, that doesn't add up. I told myself when something happened in my life, I chalked it up to being a test God was having me walk through to see if my heart was in the right place. So instead of pressing through the issue, I chose rather to roll with the punches, and simply survive... for the PRIDE in me (masked as faith) stated "this will not crush me"...

I masked pride calling it contentment every time I chose not to fight for something I wanted or needed. Here is the thing though. It wasn't over material things... it was over things the Bible clearly says we should be doing/having. Provision, Blessings, Abundance.

I turned Proverbs 30:7-9 into a mandate to simply survive. I twisted God's Word to make it something it was not intended to be. And while there is GREAT wisdom in

1 Timothy 6:6
But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment.

I turned it into a validation to do NOTHING.

I am getting off topic.... Damon Thompson quoted George Orwell as saying "sometimes the first duty of intelligent men is the restatement of the obvious."

Yet that seems like the last thing we....(I mean I) do. There is this notion that once a lesson has been learned, there is no longer a need to look deeper.

That is a trap I fell into. God has shown me some truly remarkable things about the depth and handicapped nature of my soul... and healing has been released... but when it was done, I didn't go back to find out if there was more in that area God wanted to do.

"okay, it seems like God is bringing me back to the last point.... so I guess off topic is were I was suppose to be"

The trouble I am having is how I am to tie this into righteousness. For that is what God has been speaking to my heart lately. THAT is what I believe I am being crushed to learn. The single greatest definition of righteousness I have heard is "Righteousness is the orderedness of God."

I think many of us see righteousness as a simple term though. It isn't. It encapsulates a GREAT many things. A person can have a heart for God, and live out of order. Living in order though is not strictly about prayer, fasting, worship. We tend to (I mean I tend to) turn living for God in terms of "Christian service" and while this sounds good, it excludes life.

At the time of writing this, I have been out of work for close to 6 months. Do I want to work? Absolutely! But have I done EVERYTHING I could have to find work? no. I treated it as I have treated so many other things... I patiently waited for provision. Sounds spiritual... sounds right(ish). And while I was growing in certain areas, I was NEGLECTING others.... This has been... out of order.

I got a word from God from a trusted prophet saying that God was "pleased with me." Yet this puzzled me... and BOTHERED me... for I could even then identify areas in my life that were out of alignment.

It seems strange, that when I am by myself, my mind ponders with thoughts of ministry, things I could/should be doing for the Kingdom, ways to make an impact. Yet when I am spending time with my authority, I find rest in the simple things we put our hands to. Building a fence, working cows, doing seemingly insignificant things throughout the day... yet this man and his family have made more of an impact than MANY entire churches I know. While I am there I go from being bombarded with thoughts about what I think I SHOULD be doing... and simply find rest in knowing that what I putting my hands to right now, is more profitable to me than if I were given the opportunity to preach to an entire church.

It is a wonderful thing when you are able to step back and see the bigger picture. You start to realize that it really isn't about ministry. It isn't about being a good witness. It is about a life lived in relationship with the Creator, a life of righteousness, where it is not just said, but lived out "I must decrease that He may increase."

"What will it take for you to start to live?" These words were spoken to me by my authority. And the more I bring this question to God, the more I realize I haven't bee living at all. I have been surviving. But Jesus didn't come to allow us to survive. He said "I come to bring life, and life more abundantly."

Life. I am coming to grips with the fact I don't know what it is suppose to be. It is a revelation I believe will only come as I walk more and more in righteousness. Righteousness. It is so much more than what the church has made it. We have made it the same as justification. It isn't.