Discipleship #2

“Read this book.” The words came out of nowhere. I was helping Tony clean out his garage when he made the statement. “We require everyone who comes under this ministry to read this book” he continued. I looked at the softcover small book he had handed to me. “The Final Quest”, by Rick Joyner. Okay I thought, if Tony recommends it, that is good enough for me. The next night I was flipping through the pages and made it to page 22, but because of the numerous things which kept me busy during my stay in Montana I proceeded no further. That is, until I hopped on the Greyhound bus heading back to Tennessee. Truth be told, I did not want to get on the bus that left Montana. I still do not want to be on this bus as I am writing this while travelling between Montana and North Dakota. I am heading back to Tennessee in order to have some time to think about what it is I have chosen to commit myself to. I go back to Tennessee in order to allow for closure and to explain to some friends why I must shortly head back to Big Sky country. This will not be easy, I tend to try and over explain things that should be left for others to expound upon.

As I started reading this book about 4 hours ago, other than for a couple 5-10 minute breaks (due to greyhound scheduling) I have not been able to put it down. Each page seems to pierce my heart and speaks directly into my spirit. Especially since page 71. I am on page 92 currently, and after almost every single page, I have to highlight a passage and ponder it before moving on. 21 pages. 21 pages have made this the single most powerful book I have ever read outside the Holy Scriptures. Each page seems to be God’s very heartbeat directed straight at me.

“I hear Wisdom speaking through you much louder than I hear Him in my own heart, so I know I must stay very close to you.” (page 71)

This one statement sums up what it is that is drawing me to Montana. I have grown much since I moved to Tennessee. But this growth pales in comparison to what it is that is awaiting me in Big Sky country. In many ways, I have heard God speak to my heart since I left Florida. But even those times seem but a shadow and a whisper compared to the door God is opening for me now.

“Spiritual maturity is always determined by our willingness to sacrifice our own desires for the interests of the Kingdom or for the sake of others.” (page 72)

What greater statement can be made concerning how we view spiritual growth and development than this? This statement pierces my heart, because lately I have only been concerned with my growth, my development, my ministry, my life. I have not even for a moment considered self sacrifice, even though I could quote you Jesus’ comment concerning “deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me.”

The next portion of this book seems to me at least to be a conversation that I see myself having with my friend Tony in Montana (the very person who I am submitting to under his ministry).

“I knew I must enter the door before me, and that it would be wise to learn all I could from someone who had preceded me and had obviously chosen the correct door to the top.” (page 72)

“I have shown you this door because you wear the mantle and would have found it anyway, but time is short and I am here to help you mature quickly.” (page 73)

“By the time you reach the top again, your heart will contain treasures more valuable than all the treasures of the earth.” (page 73)

“I loved the eagle so much I could barely stand to leave him. I was glad to know I would see him again. Now the door was drawing me like a magnet. I opened it and entered.” (page 73)

These words seem to leap off the page and inject themselves into my heart. I have no doubt I could have casually read this book with very little difficulty before I came to Montana. But over the last 2 weeks God has been showing me such amazing things, and maturing me in ways I had completely forgotten about, and now I can barely turn the page before I am floored again by another revelation! And it seems to be written specifically to me! I read these words, and I can see a glimpse of what this conversation has been in my life. The words might change, but the message is exactly the same! And this is the conversation I am having with Tony and Tammy right now!

I am currently somewhere about 9 hours away from Fargo ND. But already I can see how and why God wanted me to step away from Montana before He sends me back. I have never been one that is good at reflection. Truth be told, I am horrible at trying to figure out what God is showing me (specifics anyway). Yet, while I am on this bus, driving away from the very place I want to be, my heart seems to allow for more clarity. I take joy in knowing I will be back in Montana soon. If Tennessee was my Cherith, then Montana is Zaraphath. Lord, please allow me to return soon, and open the doors that need to be opened, and shut the ones that need to be shut.

There is to much to type concerning page 83 and how it grips my heart. You will need to read the book to find out why. But I will provide a short sentence which gives me such hope.

“You will see a greater glory, but also a greater terror than you have ever known. (page 83)

Do you know what the most fearful thing a Christian will ever have to face is? It isn’t the lions of the Coliseum. It is beheadings. It isn’t hateful neighbors, or upset friends. The most fearful things a Christian will ever face in their own life is . . . themselves.

Think about it. We will all stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ to be judged for all the things we have done in our lives. Our possessions of wood, hay, and sticks will be turned to ash, while the gold, silver, and precious jewels we bring will survive the fire and come out for our glory. Our Father wants us to face ourselves before we come before the Judgment Seat. But this is always the last things we want to do. We ignore it, we avoid it, we sweep it under the rug. But we will face it. One way or the other. Face it now and it is easier on us later. Avoid it until the Judgment Seat, and we will be found wanting. Remember, God is Love, but He is also a consuming fire.

The fastest way to the very heart of God, is through ourselves. And because I have wasted so many opportunities, God is having to allow for drastic measures to mature me for the coming season where the very Call of God on my life was purposed for.

As I read this book, I am becoming more and more aware of the perspective that God is restoring those lost years. I think of Job when I remember the passage in the Bible that says “God will restore the years the locusts have eaten.” Job went through a very trying time. A time where he questioned God’s Wisdom, his own sin nature, and a host of other things. Yet he went into the trial having lost everything. Shortly after he emerged from the trial everything he had was restored to him. “The Final Quest” sets the stage for a huge battle in which we (the saints of God) go to war against the armies of hell concerning the souls of man and the redemption of the world. It is the most powerful book I have ever read (and I am only on page 103 currently).

Sit by yourself for hours on a bus travelling across the country and you start to think. And my mind (and heart) have been intently focused on God since I started reading this book. I have tried to ponder and meditate upon my time in Montana over the last 2 weeks. And I feel like I am on the other side of a veil and for whatever reason, I cannot get on the other side. I can see through it, and catch a glimpse of what the other side holds, but I cannot breakthrough to the other side and into His presence.

Tony tells me that it is because I have been so removed from His anointing. I look back on my life and I remember such times of pure delight in His presence, but now I feel, disconnected. I see the evidence of His presence all around me, yet, I myself cannot breakthrough into the awareness that I am in the midst of His presence.

It is different from how it is at church though. I do not mean I feel nothing at church. It’s just that, church is different than what it is I am speaking of right now. Have you ever had those times, when the Spirit of God falls upon a group of people, and you know your life will never be the same? I am not talking about some hyperemotional, chaotic, lapse of self control that throws people into some strange fit of convulsions, or snake handling. I am talking about the very presence of God weighted down around you in such a way, as to make you aware of how small you are, how big He is, and how being in his presence is ALL you need. Some people call it the Glory. Others call it the anointing. Stills others call it nonsense. But the fact is, when you breakthrough to His presence, your life changes. There is freedom in his presence.

“Courage is a demonstration of faith.” (page 90)

Do you have any idea how hard it was to choose this path? Montana has the ability to kill me. My life will NEVER be the same. And it will be as hard as it is life altering. This is not some picnic. This is the door to self denial. This is the door of picking up the cross, denying myself, and following Him. This is radical, intense discipleship. Why is it that God told Israel many times, “Therefore be strong and very courageous.” The act of courage requires a very real risk, a very real danger. Choosing the path less traveled, requires great courage, because it involves very real risk.

“After this, you will not have your trust in anyone else, even yourself, but only in the Lord.” (page 93)

Through the door. Through the door into the judgment seat. Into the exposing of myself. Into the uncovering of all my flaws, sins, shortcomings, failures, fears, and flesh. What I am about to state, is head knowledge I have right now, but soon, it will be engrained upon the very depths of my heart. When we realize, just how sinful and worthless we are, just how low and broken we stand, and just how little mercy we deserve, and we contrast that with just how much Christ loves us, gave His life for us, and will JUDGE us, it tends to minimize our having faith in ourselves, others, or anything save Him. When we get to that place, we trust only in him, not in ourselves, our own power, influence, ability, gifts, talents, or anything else except Him, and only Him.

My trip to Montana showed me a few really substantial things. First, I can not simply rely on another person to tell me what to do. Ultimate growth will be determined by my own initiative when seeking God and trying to uncover my own wretchedness. Second, I have to be patient. It has been a long time since I partook of his presence in a powerful way, I cannot expect to simply breakthrough into that without clearing debris from the field. Third, I, in my own power, have not a clue as to how to do it. This is why I need a spiritual covering. This is why I need authority over me. Proverbs says, in the multitude of counselors there is victory.

“What you see with the eyes of your heart, is more real than what you see with your physical eyes.” (page 47)

God is starting to pry open the eyes of my heart. And I can sense Him doing it. But it is not a outpatient surgery, it is a continual staying in his presence, submitting to His covering, and seeking His face.

__________________ (just left Fargo ND) ____________________

I still do not want to be travelling back East. I am on page 113 of The Final Quest, and with each new page I am awakened to some issue in me that must be resolved before I am whole. Don’t ask me to specify which ones, I struggle even now to name them, but it is enough for me at this point to become aware of these things, even if naming them is beyond my ability currently. As I read, I begin to ponder as to the Calling God has placed on my life even before the foundation of the world. He knew I would struggle with these things. And I believe He has given me all the abilities I need in order to deal with them, yet such a thing feels so foreign to me. Each new page opens the idea that He has in fact, Called me to something great. As I read, there seems to be a subtle moving from it being strictly a head knowledge knowing, to it taking root in my heart, and I wonder, “what if it is true? What will it look like?” The thought is vague and fleeting, and there are other things that demand my attention at the moment.

As I reflect on my time in Montana, I already feel the lack of something I didn’t even notice much while there. Again, I struggle to name it, but it has something to do with my fellowship with Tony and Tammy. Maybe it is simply the support network I have been missing for many years. Maybe it is the fact that they are pouring into my life. Maybe it is the Anointing. I believe it is all these things and countless more, though again, trying to explain it right now is like trying to give a detailed account as to what the wind looks like. I already miss it though.

The more I sleep, the more I dream about Montana, and what awaits me. Nothing directly, yet when I wake, I feel again the call to get closer to what it is God is about to start in me, yet it has already started.

I am struck by such a simple yet profound truth. For many many years I sought after ministry, thinking myself ready, considering myself capable. But as I read these pages from The Final Quest, I know beyond any doubt, I am nowhere close to being ready, and I never understood why until now. I considered it enough, and even profitable before God to have a ministry that simply presented truth with 100% biblical accuracy. Toss in a bunch of truth, add an equal amount of grace, throw in a pinch of redemption, love, compassion, and forgiveness, and you have a God honoring ministry. (Or so I thought). I never contemplated the full depth of what it will be to stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ.

I didn’t think about the standard we would be measured by. It is easy to think the standard a simple thing when you only very briefly give it a passing thought. But I realize now, I am so far away from being ready for ministry that I am amazed God has had me witness, teach, minister, and write at all! I think I have been seeking after ministry in order to have a place to fit in. A place to belong. And while that is not a bad thing at all, I think my motives were wrong for wanting to be a teacher of the Word, a witness to Him, a minister of His Gospel. Do I believe I am called to ministry? Yes. But my motives were wrong, and if I had been allowed to that place with the wrong motives, I would have done more harm than good, to myself, and to others. It would have been selfish ambition that propelled me into ministry. It would have been my desire to fit in that moved me. It would have been a twisted form of idolatry that motivated me to proclaim the truth of His love. Lord forgive me!

I am not ready. Not even for such a thing as praying for someone.

How can any of us be entrusted to that most serious and somber of all treasures? Lord, thank You for not allowing me to walk through that door right now.